That title really doesn’t capture the alleged accusations against Gabriel Aubry in new custody papers unearthed by Star Magazine. The way Star phrases it, the accusations sound really sordid. The thing is, we’ve heard the exact same things about Halle, and we’ve also heard this about Gabriel before along with a lot of conflicting reports about how they were each terrible people so it’s hard to know what to believe. I would bet that their relationship is rocky and that they screamed and yelled before they called it quits, but it probably was in no way as one sided as this makes it sound at all. I also don’t buy Gabriel as this broody, emotionally distant person who forgets to bring presents for his daughter’s birthday and didn’t care about Halle’s pregnancy. Just the fact that he’s fought so hard for custody shows otherwise. Custody can get complicated and messy, and it’s obvious that both sides are slinging accusations. Here’s what Star claims, which I believe Halle could have definitely accused Gabriel of in the court papers. I doubt it went down like this at all.

Halle Berry’s ex Gabriel Aubry threw a chair against the wall and called [Halle] the N word during a violent confrontation last February, a Los Angeles court has been told.

Star has learned that new witnesses have made these and other explosive accusations against the Canadian-born male model in court documents as the couple’s custody battle over 3-year-old daughter Nahla continues. And these witnesses are shedding new light on the couple’s final blowout - a confrontation that sparked one of Hollywood’s most toxic conflicts.

Two months before their April 2010 split, Halle, 45, returned to Los Angeles after a trip to San Francisco, and sources say it was anything but a happy homecoming. “Gabriel was there, and Halle told him to leave or she would call the police,” a colleague of Halle’s, who has seen the court documents reveals.

“He screamed that she was a ‘ghetto n****r’ and threw a chair against the wall,” the source says. “Halle was shaken and sobbing.”

Sadly, such before was not uncommon for Gabriel during the couple’s nearly five-year relationship, the new witnesses claim. Gabriel allegedly insulted and attacked valets, waitresses, nannies, Halle - and even their daughter.

“Gabriel hated that Nahla was mixed race,” a colleague of Halle’s claims. “He never wanted her hair to be braided, and he always said that Nahla was white. Friends tried to get him to understand that being mixed was part of her and Halle’s heritage, but he wouldn’t hear it…”

“Approximately six months after they started seeing each other, their sex life dwindled,” the insider reveals. “They rarely had sex, but Gabriel loved to watch porn…”

“He didn’t show any enthusiasm about the pregnancy,” the insider explains. “He didn’t help pick out baby names, help Halle relax, anything. His whole life was about playing golf. And when Nahla was born, he wasn’t any help either.

At Nahla’s second birthday party [in March 2010] “Gabriel didn’t even bring a gift for Nahla, and he was rude and stand-offish to the guests…

“He brought Nahla to her room and made her take a nap so everyone would leave!”

[From Star Magazine, print edition, October 10, 2011]

This is in Star, which doesn’t mean it’s false although it definitely could be. I’m thinking that what happened was that one of Star’s court sources dug up some stuff from this case that’s from earlier this year, when all these claims were flying around in the press. I’m really hoping that these two have reached some sort of truce for Nayla’s sake, but I think that the last we heard they were still duking it out in court, with Halle winning some sort of judgment to bring Nahla with her on set. So the accusations could be new for all we know, even if this happened back in February.

Here’s Halle out in Majorca on 9/12/11 with her boyfriend, Oliver Martinez, and Nahla. She recently broke her foot while filming there. Oliver was spotted out with a cane too. I wonder what’s going on there. Gabriel and Nahla are shown out on 8/10/11 and 8/17/11.

Credit: Kadena Press/WENN.com

I’ve seen Lacey Schwimmer, Chaz Bono’s partner this season, on Dancing with The Stars and I think she’s hot on the dancefloor. (When she dresses herself, not so much.) When she dances she really moves it and she’s graceful and kickass at the same time. Lacey has come under fire for being “larger,” relatively, to the other tiny dancers on that show. She looks like she eats and maintains a great muscular physique. In a new interview with In Touch, Lacey says she’s proud of her curves and that she’s defending herself against the people mocking her online. Then the article states she’s a size four. They don’t directly quote Lacey on the size, they just say “Now a healthy size four.”

“As a dancer, you are supposed to look a certain way,” she explains during an exclusive photo shoot with In Touch. And while the 23-year-old certainly developed thicker skin over the years, she is not immune to bullying. Recently ridiculed for how she looked in a pair of high-waisted jeans, Lacey quickly became the subject of cruel taunts online.

“There are so many blogs and websites hating on me,” she says. “When people start talking - even if I don’t agree with what they’re saying - it definitely affects you.”

It’s easy to see why, especially considering that Lacey suffered a debilitating eating disorder when she was 13 that withered her already tiny body to a size o. Weighing just 98 pounds and living on six slices of turkey a day - combined with hours of dancing - Lacey shares, “My hair was falling out and my skin was gray. It was a really bad time.” Though she recovered at age 15, during a 2009 interview with In Touch, the dancer revealed that she will “always battle” with her weight.

Now a healthy size 4, Lacey… refuses to cover her body in shame over the “mom jeans” scandal. In fact, she promises to reveal her taut stomach more than ever this season… “I have boobs, I have a huge butt and I have a lot of muscle,” says says. “I like having curves - I’m proud of them!”

[From In Touch, print edition, October 10, 2011]

Kaiser has written many times about our skepticism at the new trend of vanity sizing. Her position is that if you’re not comfortable mentioning a size, or if you’re going to shave a few sizes off, don’t mention one at all. I could see Lacey being a six in some styles because she’s so fit, but four is pushing it to me. Maybe Lacey didn’t directly say this and it’s something In Touch added, who knows. Given the size quotes we’ve heard from Kirstie Alley, it’s possible the Dancing With the Stars gowns are all a couple of sizes smaller on the tag than they are in reality.

That said, that’s awful that Lacey had a terrible eating disorder. I think I remember reading about that when she first talked about it. I hope that she’s really as confident as she sounds here, because she should be. The issue that a lot of us had with those mom jeans wasn’t her weight at all, it was her atrocious fashion. That’s easily remedied, although in Lacey’s case I’m not so sure because she’s just so consistent with it.

Lacey Schwimmer and Chaz Bono’s second dance. (From this week)

Lacey and Chaz’s first dance.

Lacey is shown on 9/14/11 in the header image. Lacey is shown on 9/14/11 in the header image. The other photos, in order, are from 9/12/11 and 9/4/11. Credit: Pacific Coast News

It was less than a month ago that Real Housewives of New Jersey’s combative overspending narcissist Teresa Giudice, 39, had a second wedding with her husband at a castle, complete with a $25,000 wedding gown and a carriage ride. The affair was photographed and detailed in an In Touch cover story, and I can’t imagine it was a big seller for them. Given the fact that this couple is in bankruptcy, has had portions of their tacky mansion sold off, and is accused of stiffing creditors, it was ridiculous that they would throw a wedding like that, but that’s the Giudices. They’re always fighting, buying useless tasteless crap and wasting other people’s money. Husband Joe is also in no way faithful to Teresa despite her attempts to make their marriage look solid by throwing showy wedding. We’ve heard rumors that Joe has a love child, and now he’s been photographed out with another woman having an intimate dinner at TGI Fridays. At least he’s not blowing too much cash on his side piece. Here’s a report on that sighting from Radar, which has a photo of Joe with the other woman on their site:

Tuesday night in Clifton, New Jersey, Bravo reality star Joe Giudice was spotted out dining with a woman who was definitely not his wife.

“I was in the T.G.I. Fridays and saw Joe and this woman who was NOT Teresa having a drink in a booth by the bar,” eyewitness Erin exclusively told RadarOnline.com.

“They were drinking martinis and when the woman finished hers she took a sip out of Joe’s glass too. They looked like they were having a good time together and laughing with each other.”

After a waiter brought them wet naps the woman opened hers and “wiped Joe’s hands off with hers,” Erin said. “It was really intimate to see her touching his hands like that.

“They looked very comfortable and cozy together.”

The brunette woman was wearing a white top, carried a Louis Vuitton purse and according to Erin she “appeared to be in her late 20s or early 30s.”

Despite recently renewing their vows, the couple, who has four children, has been going through a rough patch and some reports said the renewal ceremony was just for show.

While her husband was having a cocktail with another woman 30 miles away, Teresa was hard at work at the Posche fashion show at the Son Cubano restaurant and Tom Murro provided the photo of her sitting with co-star Kathy Wakile at the event.

“I don’t think divorce is an option, unless it’s over something horrible like cheating,” Teresa said in a recent interview. “Not every day is perfect, but you try to make it as perfect as you can.”

[From Radar]

This chick better watch it, because Teresa will put the smack down on her in the blink of an eye. We’ve seen her in action and she just goes for blood right away. She’s always fighting with someone, and has been shown feuding with her sister-in-law on the show and most recently with a new woman on the show called Monica Chacon. There was apparently a fight between Monica and Teresa in the bathroom at the Porsche Fashion show earlier this week. That’s Teresa, always keeping it classy. I just feel for Joe and Teresa’s kids. It’s obvious that they’re affected by their trainwreck parents, particularly their nine year-old daughter, Gia, who sang a sad song at her sister’s birthday party about how she wishes her dad and uncle would stop fighting.

Photos are from April and May, 2011. Credit: WENN.com

Ashton with Austin Dawn, a “spokesmodel” for one of his tech companies, in June

The news came out a whole three days ago that Ashton Kutcher had a second mistress, whom he allegedly slept with at the classy Hard Rock Hotel in San Diego on his sixth anniversary with Demi. At that time I linked to this story from June where Ashton was busted with a “mystery blonde” in his car leaving a show. A lot of outlets are reporting that it’s the same woman, Sarah Leal, who claims to have slept with him last weekend and who has lawyered up. (Not with Gloria Allred unfortunately, but with another Hollywood lawyer out for a stiff settlement.) Judging from the original photo on TheDirty.com of Leal, and these additional photos, it’s not the same woman unless she’s had a nose job and really toned down the makeup.

The NY Post reports that the woman pictured here is named Austin Dawn and is a “spokesmodel for one of Kutcher’s tech companies.” Jesse James hired plenty of spokesmodels for his business too, and they inevitably ended up on the coffin couch. What’s more is that the more recent mistress, Leal, is about to stage some new photos of herself, according to the Post:

Blonde Sara Leal, who reportedly slept with Ashton Kutcher last weekend, is working overtime to cash in on the scandal. Sources tell us she’s working with an ex-lover-turned club promoter to sell her story. She’s also in cahoots with a paparazzo who plans to sell staged new “street” pictures of Leal. “She gets a cut of whatever [the photos] sell for,” a source said. We revealed Leal has also asked for a six-figure payday from Kutcher to stay quiet about their alleged liaison in San Diego’s Hard Rock Hotel last weekend. She’s been meeting with attorney Keith Davidson, who represented a Betty Ford Clinic worker who filed assault charges against Lindsay Lohan but later dropped them. Reps for Ashton and wife Demi Moore were mum last night. But Kutcher sounded fed up on Twitter, writing yesterday, “When you ASSUME to know that which you know nothing of you make an ASS out of U and ME.” Photos of Kutcher leaving an LA club with a blonde last June got the Web abuzz yesterday, but sources tell us she’s Austin Dawn, a spokesmodel for one of Kutcher’s tech companies. Moore, who had been here promoting Lifetime’s “Five,” an anthology of films directed by her and Jennifer Aniston, Alicia Keys, Penelope Spheeris and Patty Jenkins, was back in LA but stayed unusually quiet on Twitter.

[From The NY Post]

There’s plenty more news that portends a split for Ashton and Demi. The sleuths at Radar figured out that Demi “unfollowed” Ashton on Twitter at one point and maybe realized that it looked suspicious, so she re-followed him again. Apparently it’s easy to determine when a Twitter user follows someone by just looking at the order the person appears in on their list.

Everyone has been paying attention to Ashton’s Twitter, where he told people not to make assumptions, essentially, and Tweeted a link to Public Enemy’s “Don’t Believe the Hype.” US Weekly points us to his blog, where he posted a bunch of poems earlier this month that reveal that something major is going on for him. An excerpt (I took out the line breaks ): “I’ll admit failure and know that it means I still have a chance. Fine, I’ll surrender, I’ll exit plan A, I’ll move on, I’ll put my loss on display for the world to mock.” Yeah, they’re broken up. He’s probably going to claim the women came after, but that’s doubtful given that we first heard about one last year.

I had the chance to read the full Star Magazine report on Ashton and Demi’s $290 million split, and there were some juicy details in there that I haven’t heard before. Here are the highlights that were new to me:

Demi has been dating other men
Demi [has] lined up lunch and dinner dates with several of NYC’s most eligible bachelors, a source close to the couple claims.

“Demi’s finally ready to move on after all these years because she’s sick of feeling like she can’t trust Ashton,” an insider reveals…

Demi posted the first mistress’ phone number on Facebook
Brittney Jones [Ashton's first mistress, revealed in Septmeber 2010] revealed that she had a night of passion with Ashton just before his fifth wedding anniversary with Demi. “He was so handsome and nice,” said Brittney, who slipped her number to him on a cocktail napkin while he was at a bowling alley with a group that included his wife and stepdaughter Rumer Willis.

It was only when Jones began getting tons of prank calls that she realized Demi had seized the napkin and posted a photo of it on her Facebook page, blasting Brittney’s number to more than 1 million fans.

Ashton bragged about sleeping with Britney Spears before he met Demi
“Before he and Demi got together, Ashton told me that when he was in New York doing Saturday Night Live and filming Punk’d with Britney, he slept with her,” reveals the insider.

[From Star Magazine, print edition, October 10, 2011]

He slept with Britney at one point, that’s pretty interesting. He wasn’t with Demi at that time, so I didn’t feel right putting that detail in the title of this story, even though I was tempted. Also, I hadn’t heard before that Demi posted the first mistresses phone number on Facebook! That’s a scorned woman move for sure.

Oh and Ashton isn’t just in hot water at home. The dumbass used a laptop on an episode of Two and a Half Men that had huge visible stickers from four tech companies he has a personal stake in, essentially resulting in massive free advertising. CBS was reportedly pissed, but they’re giving him a pass, for now, since his character is a tech geek and the stickers are authentic given the plot.

Two and a Half Men photo above via E! Online. Other photos credit: Pacific Coast News.

I’ve known plenty of women who have lost weight post-breakup. It’s happened to me, but I inevitably gained it back again since I’m a stress eater. I kind of envy those women who can’t eat when they’re stressed, because it takes true trauma to get me to live in any state that resembles “hungry.”

All of this is intro for this story in Life & Style about how Sandra Bullock is so thin now because she’s pining for Ryan Reynolds, who is rumored to have left her to bone a bunch of random starlets like Olivia Wilde. I think Life & Style just noticed that Sandra was thin and that she no longer seems to be with Ryan and put two and two together. They could be right, though, as there’s nothing that will help you shed pounds like a breakup. Jezebel has a quick rundown of the story:

Apparently Sandra Bullock is “stressed-out” and “can’t stop losing weight.” She has suffered a “radical transformation” and is “scary thin.” Her “chest bones are showing,” and her “face is gaunt” and her arms are “veiny and too muscular.” A nutritional therapist who does not treat her says she has “almost no fat on her body.” Just in case you haven’t gotten the point, there’s text on a picture of Sandy which reads, “a newly bony body.” This is not only because she went through an icky divorce, but because Ryan Reynolds has “moved on” and Sandra “has no outlet for the loneliness she’s feeling.”

[From Jezebel]

Bullock must have gotten wind of this story, because last night she was photographed out at paparazzi and celebrity hotspot Mr. Chow. Those are the photos where she’s in a car. She’s also shown outside the gym last week, and she looks really fit and healthy to me. I’m judging from her arms, not her clavicle area though. Maybe that part of her chest just looks sunken, because she doesn’t look scary skinny or anything, just thin. I love Sandra though and I refuse to believe that she’s suffering if things didn’t work out with Ryan. Maybe she’s just using the extra time to work on her fitness.

Photos of Sandra in a tank top with bare arms are from 9/22/11. She’s shown at LAX with Louis on 9/18/11. She’s also shown alone on 9/21/11. Credit: Fame

We’ve heard that Kate Gosselin was pitching a dating show after TLC cancelled her long-running family reality show, and that she’s so overextended she’s worried that she’ll “end up on welfare.” Kate has been on a form of welfare for the past six years, and is dependent on the public’s good will to keep making obscene money for all expenses paid trips with her kids. Since she’s managed to squander all of that with her attitude of entitlement, she’s now scrambling to keep the cash and fame flowing. In an interview on the Today Show earlier this month, Kate confirmed that she hopes to stay on television. “I think at this point the best opportunity for all of us would be me continuing in TV as a way to provide for my kids.” She also put down her ex husband Jon Gosselin’s 9-5 job installing solar panels. “It’s a situation where Jon may be accepting of mediocre for his kids and working a regular job and I want the best for my kids and the best opportunities, not unlike every parent.” So, according to Kate, most of us live “mediocre” lives by working regular jobs to support our families. Given Kate’s opinion, I’ll take this opportunity to mock her for being unable to land a “non-mediocre” cush job on television ever again.

Although Kate Gosselin told me she would do whatever she had to in order to support her children following the cancellation of her fame-making show, the mom of eight is finding out that it’s easier said than done. Gosselin, who told me that her first choice would be to stay in television, isn’t getting the job response she had hoped for.

“She has approached many different networks, including pitching a travel show idea to her old network, TLC, but so far no one has said yes,” an insider tells me. “She assumed that given her fame, producers and networks would be knocking her over with job offers and is, to say the least, very surprised that she hasn’t received a single one.”

TLC officially confirmed that “Kate Plus 8″ had been cancelled after its ratings continued to drop and the show became more and more expensive to produce when they added traveling the globe to the series. At the time, Gosselin told me she had never earned the amount of money people assumed she was receiving and made it very clear that she wasn’t set for life.

“Like many reality stars Kate is in a very difficult position,” a reality show casting director tells me. “Who wants to go back to a real day job after being paid to work three or four months a year. Everyone I have ever met on a reality show thinks it will never end. They quit their day jobs and assume they will become rich and famous. They do become infamous [but] — with the exception of Bethenny Frankel — they never become rich. Plus, who is going to hire them for a real job after they have made a fool out of themselves on TV?”

[From The Huffington Post]

Kate is going the way of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag, except she’s old enough to have no excuse for not planning for this, and for assuming that the public would continue to support her outlandish lifestyle.

Does reality television help create these type of narcissistic famewhores, or are these just the people who are drawn to reality television? Kate has surely changed over the years due to her television show, but it’s not like she would have been a nice, normal person without the cameras. She would have confined her nastiness to her family and community, and she would have had to make due with less resources. It looks like that’s about to happen for her anyway, and she’s going into it kicking and screaming.

Kate tweeted a response to this story, as reported on Radar, and wrote “NOT 1 stitch of truth in radar article, once again… & radar u can’t even report my website properly! It’s: kateplusmy8.com.”

These photos are from 12/1/10. Credit: Fame

David Arquette called in to Howard Stern’s radio show yesterday, and like his previous talks with Stern he didn’t hold back. The 40 year-old Dancing with The Stars contestant revealed that he’s been dating an entertainment reporter based out of New York, Christina McLarty, who also happens to be the ex wife of Joe Francis. We first heard rumors that these two were together over the summer, and things seem to be getting serious for them.

David also said that he’s in “friends” territory with his estranged wife, Courteney Cox Arquette. Courteney has been seen in the audience on Dancing With The Stars along with their seven year-old daughter, Coco. The fact that David is happily dating again, and that he’s been with his new girlfriend for at least a few months, makes me wonder if he’s ever going to officially divorce Courteney. It’s nice that they’re keeping it civil, though. Here’s more:

Stern, of course, started in with questions about Courteney, asking David why she is in the audience every week at Dancing With the Stars and whether David is still pining for her.

“I’m not; we’re in the friend zone now,” he said, adding that Cox knows he’s been seeing someone new since the summer.

Even though Courteney’s in the crowd, Arquette says his new special somebody is the first one to call him every week after the show and that she just can’t be there because she lives in New York.

And who is that?

“It’s Barbara Walters,” David joked.

He didn’t give up his new gal’s name right away though, but eventually caved and admitted her name is Christina McLarty. McLarty is a reporter for Entertertainment Tonight, as well as being Girls Gone Wild Joe Francis’ ex-wife/domestic partner. Arquette says they met on a boat party early this past summer.

“She’s adorable. I’m not one to run around with different girls. I like someone that makes me feel good and that I can make feel good,” said Arquette.

David says the two have been Skyping up a storm and have taken a few road trips together since they hooked up in the summer months.

“We try to see each other as much as possible,” he said.

As for the show, David talked rehearsing and how he should cry on camera to get a sympathy vote from the public.

“I cried in rehearsal one day,” he revealed, joking that any one who was going to vote for him certainly won’t now. “I got overwhelmed with emotion.”

When Stern began talking about how he fast forwards through the “fat people dancing,” David revealed that he loves all different body types and said that he finds Lacey Schwimmer to be “one of the sexiest girls on the show.”

David, still sober, says because of the show and his new gal pal, “everything is good.”

[From E! Online]

David was going through such a hard time getting over Courteney, (and her infidelity which he refused to accept) so that’s nice to hear that he’s moved on. What I want to know is how a woman can go from a sociopathic probably abusive douche like Joe Francis to a sensitive funny good guy like Arquette. I mean Arquette has his problems, but he got booted by Courtney, not the other way around, and doesn’t seem to have cheated on her when they were together. He’s on this journey of sobriety and self discovery. He just seems vulnerable and sweet to me, while Francis is a manipulative jerk who makes titty films. Maybe McLarty realized that she needed to do a complete 180 from her ex if she wanted to be in a decent relationship. At least she got out of her marriage soon enough and divorced Francis within two months.

Also, that was really nice what Arquette said about finding Lacey Schwimmer sexy. When she dances and is dressed by other people, she really is. On her own she’s a hot mess, but that’s due to her fashion, not her size at all. I enjoy seeing Arquette on DWTS and I hope he hangs in there for a while. He was in the bottom two this week though, and narrowly missed being voted off.

This chick bears a very superficial resemblance to Courteney when she was younger.

Look at how dapper Arquette is outside DWTS practice!

photo credit: WENN.com

Holly Madison has insured her fake boobs for $1 million with the insurance company Lloyd’s of London, which regularly insures celebrity body parts. Holly stars in a Vegas semi-nude revue at Planet Hollywood called Peepshow, for which she’s in lingerie for most of the show and goes topless at some point. She explained to People Magazine that if something happened to her boobs that it would put her out of commission for a few months and end up costing her. What about her legs? She’s working a pole and strutting around in heels on stage, so doesn’t it make more sense that she’d insure something that was more likely to bust?

Holly Madison is doing what’s in her breast, er best, interest.

The reality star recently took out a $1 million insurance policy on her breasts with Lloyd’s of London insurance company, she confirmed to PEOPLE exclusively.

Madison, 31, said she did it to protect herself and others who appear in her Las Vegas production, Peepshow.

“I’ve heard about people getting body parts insured and I thought, why not?, because if anything happened to my boobs, I’d be out for a few months and I’d probably be out a million dollars,” she said. “I thought I’d cover my assets.”

Literally.

Madison appears topless during segments of the Vegas show, which, in her mind, made the insurance policy necessary. She also comprehends the quirkiness of it all.

“I think it’s kind of funny. I think they’re getting the credit they deserve,” she said. “They’re my primary money makers right now.”

[From People]

This is a publicity stunt for her show, and we’re talking about it so it’s working. Lloyd’s of London legitimately insures celebrity body parts when they’re used in ad campaigns (i.e. legs for a shaving commercial, teeth when it’s a toothpaste campaign), but this is ridiculous. What happens if Holly sprains an ankle or falls on her face and busts her nose job? Is Lloyds going to deny her claim and say “sorry, your boobs are fine?” Maybe the show has insurance for that, and she wanted a little extra in the form of boob disability. Please smack me for spending so long contemplating this. I’ve probably spent more time thinking about it than Holly did.

Here are a bunch of pictures of Holly Madison’s boobs.

Photo credit: WENN.com

- Roman Polanski apologizes 33 years later [Videogum]
- Kristen Stewart in her Snow White costume [LaineyGossip]
- The two faced cat. Really. [Dlisted]
- Meghan McCain wins legal battle against parody blog [Gawker]
- Five soundtrack scores that get reused in other films’ trailers [Pajiba]
- Kevin Federline baby pictures! He looks like he’s the one who had the baby [Popsugar]
- An examination of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s Ringer wardrobe [Go Fug Yourself]
- Brooke Mueller looks high again [I’m Not Obsessed]
- Tori Spelling without makeup [ICYDK]
- Elisabetta Canalis’ dumb post DWTS interview [Life & Style]
- Justin Bieber’s terrible remix of Lil Wayne’s “How To Love” [Evil Beet]
- 16 frightening Doritos flavors [The Frisky]
- Ashley Tisdale’s Toddlers and Tiaras parody [Seriously? OMG! WTF?]
- Sean Maher came out of the closet [PopBytes]
- Miranda Kerr in Paris [Moe Jackson]

It’s hard to keep up with all the stories about Kim Kardashian’s show wedding, but I’ll make a half assed attempt by going through our in-no-way exhaustive archives. Actually, now that I’m looking at the stories it’s quite simple and follows a pattern that mimics the typical tabloid cycle of a “celebrity” relationship, except it goes by in days instead of months and years. 1) Kim and Kris got married, 2) Then they had a blissful honeymoon, 3) Then they were rumored to be having relationship trouble, 4) Now they’re rumored to be pregnant. This will play out with a pregnancy, if possible, a baby for Kim and Kris, then additional relationship trouble, Kris cheating, a divorce and a series of stories about triumphant single mom Kim. Given the timeline so far, I guess we can expect this all to happen in the next two months, biology be damned. The kid will be about five by then but it won’t even be 2012 yet.

So here’s part of OK’s story that Kim is pregnant. She’s not and this is just speculative, like so many other OK fake pregnancy stories in the past that I can’t be bothered to recap. (OK, here’s a highlights post on the ones they’ve done of Jennifer Aniston, since I’m anal like that.)

Kim Kardashian has a lot going on: She’s newly married to Kris Humphries and still figuring out how to be a Mrs.; she’s adjusting to a new town after moving to NYC; and now, there may be another big change. “Kim said she’s late,” a pal tells OK!. “She was supposed to get her period and didn’t.” OK! has the scoop in this week’s new issue, on sale everywhere Thursday!

It’s a welcome development for the star.

“Kim always thought she’d have several kids by age 30, so in her mind she’s behind schedule.” says an insider.

In fact, says the source, Kim is doing tons of stuff that makes those around her wonder if she already has a secret. “Kim’s been going through all the K names,” says the insider. “She even has a baby-name book and looks up the meaning of each one.”

But that’s not all. OK! also noticed a few of the other reasons why everyone thinks Kim has baby on the way.

[From OK!]

If Kim was pregnant she wouldn’t be going with low budget OK!, she would sell that exclusive, and a bunch of disgusting details about how pukey she’s feeling and how her bowel movements have changed, to either People or US if they would meet her price. This is the girl who sold photos of her engagement. She is a hustler of the highest order.

That said, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s pregnant. That’s the next step for her and she’s talked about babies enough times.

Here’s Kim out in New York last night. What THE HELL is she wearing? Pleather pants complete with camel tow, a bra with a fringed dickie over it and a loose draped jacket. She looks more ridiculous than is even usual for her. Even the chick next to her with the pink ‘fro can’t stand Kim’s look.

With Kris on 9/12. She looks like a sex doll here.

Photo credit: Pacific Coast News, WENN.com