Oy vey. Did you read Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop newsletter this week? Go here to see it. It’s all about Rosh Hashanah, which is the Jewish new year - it was on Wednesday. Gwyneth devotes her Goop-letter to Jewish food (Rugelach! Apple and Honey Cake!) and a spiritual lesson about the meaning of Rosh Hashanah… it feels like the whole thing is ripe for a South Park parody, but bless her Goop. She’s been all about her Jewish roots for years now, while completely ignoring her mother’s peasanty, shiksa side of the family. HEY GOOP - You’re half-shiksa. And you’re descended from working-class laborers on your mother’s side. I know that because I watched your “Who Do You Think You Are?” episode.

Meanwhile, The Enquirer’s Mike Walker had this scoop on Gwyneth’s beauty “secret”:

Here’s the hot secret behind Gwyneth Paltrow’s ageless, glowing skin - SNAKE VENOM! My spy witness spotted the star slithering into the Beverly Hills Sonya Dakar Skin Clinic - where sources reveal she underwent her fave anti-aging treatment of UltraLuxe-9 Age Control Complex, which includes synthetic snake venom that tightens and contours the skin.

Gwyneth - famously NOT a Botox user - swears by the shorter-lived, but injection-free quick fix whenever she needs to look camera ready fast! After her treatment, Gwyneth snapped up several bottles at $185 a pop. “It’s worth every dime,” she hissed to pals.

[From Mike Walker’s column, The Enquirer, print edition]

I don’t get it. It’s injection-free? So… the “treatment” is just… what? A face cream with snake venom? Because I’m not sure I buy that Gwyneth is JUST doing “injection-free” stuff. Last year, around her Country Strong promotional tour, Goop’s face was looking more and more jacked. Then, suddenly, it settled down… so whatever she DID, I don’t think she’s still doing it. And whatever she did, she’s denying that it was ever done. As for the snake venom story, the only reason I’m skeptical is because I don’t believe Goop would ONLY pay $185 for skin care treatments. You know she probably shells out tens of thousands for the most elite and spectacular stuff.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Jennifer Garner is sorry that she was born white, tall and pretty. The first clip from Garner‘s new film, Butter. [The Frisky]
Kelly Brook‘s Cosmo UK photo shoot. [Yeeeah]
The FBI might want to broaden the definition of “rape”. [Jezebel]
Taylor Lautner never knows if girls want him or Jacob. [Evil Beet]
Danny McBride named his first child (a boy) Declan George. [Celebrity Baby Scoop]
Here are some photos of Linnocent doing those services for cash. [CDAN]
K-Stew smokes a cig in her Snow White armor. [Amy Grindhouse]
Lil‘ Wayne covers Vibe, talks Drake and Jay-Z. [Bossip]
Ashley Tisdale has some thoughts on Toddlers and Tiaras. [PopBytes]
Joanna “Patsy” Lumley shuns modern technology. [ONTD]
Carey Mulligan flashes her engagement ring. [LimeLife]
Evan Rachel Wood talks about kissing Ryan Gosling. [Celebs]
Vin Diesel is a terrible driver. [CityRag]
Rihanna looks trashy for a video: yawn. [Hollywood Rag]
Beyonce talks about her pregnancy. Again. [Bitten and Bound]
I‘ve grown to enjoy Seth Rogen more and more. [Starpulse]

Any excuse to post Michael Fassbender photos? Yep. Pretty much. LaineyGossip is reporting - from sources and eyewitness accounts - that Zoe Kravitz is loved up in Toronto with Penn Badgley. The last time we heard about Zoe being in Toronto, it was two weeks ago and she was there as Michael Fassbender’s date, and he slipped her the glorious Fassdong yet again. Just so we can all keep up, this is what’s gone down in the past year (yes, this is all from memory):

*Fall 2010: Single Fassbender meets single Zoe Kravitz on the set of X-Men: First Class. They apparently get hot and heavy very fast.

*January 2011: Michael Fassbender’s Vogue UK profile is released (he was interviewed in Fall 2010) - wherein we get confirmation that Zoe and Michael are happening when Zoe makes an appearance during Michael’s interview.

*Winter/Spring 2011: Michael is in NYC, filming Shame. Zoe is presumably in NYC too (she lives there, after all), but they keep a pretty low profile. No drama.

*March/April 2011: Zoe goes to some of Michael’s event for Jane Eyre, but they don’t walk any carpets together.

*June/July 2011: Breakup rumors abound, X-Men promotion starts, and Zoe and Michael take pains not to be seen together during promotion. And then they get photographed by a paparazzo just before the movie opens, and they look coupley.

*Summer 2011: Fassie in London, Zoe in NYC. Fassie gets spotted at parties, flirting with girls, although there aren’t many reports of him slippin’ it to every girl he meets.

*Summer 2011: Looking like she and Michael broke up, Zoe begins stepping out with several dudes, but the one who is consistently mentioned is Penn Badgley. Penn and Zoe are spotted together, looking romantic and coupley all over NYC.

*August 2011: Michael goes to Venice solo. He wins Best Actor. He looks hot.

*Early Sept. 2011: Zoe appears at some events for New York Fashion Week. There is a sighting of Zoe and Penn together, looking romantic.

*Mid-Septemeber 2011: Zoe appears, days later, in Toronto with Fassbender. They look like they’re nailing each other. I feel like crying.

*End of September: Zoe is back with Penn, back in NYC. Michael is God knows where (Spain? England? My pants?). He’s presumably single.

So… how should I feel about this? On one side, a single Fassbender is much more erotic, because there are more possibilities. On the other side, what girl tosses any inch of a Fassbender aside for a Badgley? I do think Zoe has game, and that she’s just doing whatever and whoever she wants (she got that from her mom). I also think Michael and Zoe are friends still, and maybe they’re both hippies about sex and are just like “Eh, we’ll bone whenever we feel like it, we don’t need a relationship.” I just don’t know.

Single Fassbender? Huzzah!

Photos courtesy of WENN and Fame.

It never ceases to amaze me how many photos LeAnn Rimes takes of herself. She’s not just taking photos of herself - she’s also putting all of those photos on her Twitter, so the world can enjoy what she probably considers her “glamour shots”. I’ve included some recent ones in this post. The one of LeAnn on the urinal is so… ugh. Girl. Stop.

Anyway, LeAnn appears on a new episode of Ellen, and she’s talking about the only two things that make her relevant, of course: her sketchy relationship with Eddie, and her weight. Here’s video:

As genuinely happy as LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian seem to be in their first year of marriage bliss, it appears they can’t escape the elephant in the room; both LeAnn and Eddie were married when they fell in love.

Married in April of this year, both parties have been quite vocal in their newfound happiness, but less eager to speak of the uglier elements of their past. LeAnn sat down with The Ellen DeGeneres Show for an episode airing Thursday, September 29 to clear the air and hopefully gain understanding from critics and tabloids.

“We made decisions that were not necessarily the right ones,” she begins, “but it obviously brought us to the place where we are now. And, we’re happy and we’re married.”

“It happens,” LeAnn continues. “I will always say, it could’ve been handled a lot better but maybe we both didn’t have the tools at the time to do it properly.”

As for their respective exes, Rimes’ former husband recently re-married and seems to prefer to keep mum on the subject. Cibrian’s ex is the newest cast member on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and is unfortunately quite a bit more vocal. In her Monday debut, Brandi Glanville refers to Eddie as the “Number one douche bag of all time.”

Regardless of what people might have to say on the matter, Rimes says the best thing she’s learned to do it simply “let it go and laugh at it at the end of the day.”

[From Entertainment Weekly]

Okay, I’m going to take a moment and defend LeAnn about one thing: I like that she’s never flat-out denied that she and Eddie had an affair while they were both married. Often, she’ll talk around the issue, and yes, she tries to paint herself as the victim and claim that none of us really know what happened, but she never plays the “we never cheated, y’all” card. Eddie has lied about it before, but LeAnn never has. I like that even LeAnn knows that she can’t get away with that lie.

That being said, the bitch is still crazy. Especially about weight issues/body image issues.

Photos courtesy of WENN, LeAnn’s Twitter.

I actually feel sorry for Elisabetta Canalis. I have a soft spot in my cold, dead heart for a good “immigrant does well in America” story, and I feel like America was actively rooting against Elisabetta. After all, she has a great ass and she looks like Cindy Crawford in dim light, which was enough to get her George Clooney for two years. And apparently, that’s all Elisabetta gets. She doesn’t get Hollywood, she doesn’t get any more “modeling” jobs, she doesn’t even get cheesy reality-star fame on Dancing With the Stars - the audience couldn’t kick her off soon enough.

So now comes the sad stories about the end of Elisabetta’s “fame” in America. Sure, she’ll still be somebody in Italy - she’s probably even “A list” in Italy. But in America, she’s nothing more than a pushier Sarah Larson with a thick accent. Us Weekly got the ball rolling in this week’s print issue, apparently claiming that Elisabetta sent George Clooney “angry text messages” about his new girlfriend, Stacy “Cray-Cray” Keibler. Clooney took pity on poor Eli and denied the story to TMZ:

George Clooney is doing something he almost never does — commenting about a report on his romantic life … in particular, one that claims his ex-gf sent him angry text messages about his new gf.

The report in the current issue of US Weekly … claims Elisabetta Canalis fired off a series of angry texts to George when she found out he was dating Stacy Keibler.

But George tells TMZ, the story “was completely fabricated in order to sell magazines. I never comment on my personal life unless it affects others…and this lie affects others.”

George added this challenge to US Weekly, “Since I would be the only actual witness, I ask you to correct your story immediately, but that would assume you cared at all about telling the truth.”

[From TMZ]

Rough. All kinds of rough. If the story is true, poor Eli, and if it’s false (probably), then this was Eli’s last moment with Clooney - when he defended her “honor” as someone who wouldn’t be crazy enough to send nasty test messages, which is setting the bar pretty low. Clooney probably forgot to mention that he changed all of his numbers right after he had security escort Eli off the Lake Como estate.

Meanwhile, Eli gave a sad interview to Life & Style right after she was eliminated on DWTS. This whole thing made me cringe:

After being kicked off Dancing With the Stars on Sept. 27, Elisabetta Canalis wants the world to know one thing: She’s fine and moving on from ex-boyfriend George Clooney.

“I just want to move on,” she tells Life & Style. “I’m really just doing what I’ve done for years before — my job, and that’s television. I had this opportunity to do my job here in this country.”

While on the show, Elisabetta spent most of her time dodging questions about her famous ex. “Yes, he’s my ex-boyfriend and people in this country know me because of him, but…” Elisabetta said after the news of her elimination on last night’s results show.

“George Clooney, George Clooney, George Clooney, George Clooney, George Clooney,” kidded her partner, Val Chmerkovskiy, who then asked Elisabetta, “Do you think George Clooney voted for us?”

Very uncomfortably, the Italian beauty replied, “I don’t know. I don’t think anything right now.”

Admitting her surprise at last night’s outcome, Elisabetta reveals to Life & Style, “I think we are paying a little bit for our moods during the rehearsals maybe? I’ve learned that you have to be more diplomatic sometimes. Especially when I’m learning.”

But when it comes to dancing, she’s hanging her up shoes.

“Right now I’m going back to horseback riding,” she tells Life & Style. “I had the best teacher in the world.” And according to Val: “George Clooney approves this interview!”

[From Life & Style]

Ugh. Cringe. Poor Eli. She’s crazy, but I get the feeling Stacy Keibler could out-crazy her any day of the week. My advice for Eli? Go home. Not in a “we’re kicking you out” way, but in a “go see your family, have lunch with friends, lick your wounds” kind of way. Go home for a while, work in Italy, maybe try to really launch yourself as an actress/model/personality in Europe, and then find another nice, rich dude and stop talking about getting married and having babies, because that seems to drive the rich ones away.

I hope Stacy Keibler is watching this mess, because this is her journey in less than a year. I’m giving it six months, actually.

Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.

This past March, I was stunned to read a story in the NY Post about Mike Myers having “secretly wed” a tea-shop-owning hipster chick named Kelly Tisdale. I was surprised because I had put stock in many blind items about Mike maybe/probably being gay, and perhaps that was the reason his first marriage failed? Many commenters corrected me, and it’s looking more and more like Mike is totally straight. He and Kelly married late last year after dating for several years. Kelly was pregnant when they announced their “secret” marriage, and Life & Style is confirming that Kelly gave birth to a boy!

Austin Powers star Mike Myers and wife, Kelly Tisdale, have welcomed a baby boy into the world, Life & Style has learned.

“The baby is named Spike and was born two weeks ago!” a source reveals to Life & Style.

This is the first child for the couple, who started dating in 2006 and married in a secret ceremony in New York last fall.

Mike has reportedly signed on to reprise his famous role as the International Man of Mystery in Austin Powers 4.

“Things are on track,” Mike said about the latest edition of the franchise.

Congrats to the duo on their newest addition!

[From Life & Style]

SPIKE? It must be an English thing, right? Mike’s parents were English (transplanted to Canada). There are lots of dudes in England named Spike, and some of them are even heroes of English comedy, so perhaps it was a reference to that. Here in America, we reserve the name “Spike” for dogs. Anyway, I congratulate Mike and Kelly on their Virgo boy, and wish them luck with what I’m sure will be the kid’s long-time issues with OCD and neurosis (can I get a witness, fellow Virgos?). Congrats and mazel tov!

Photos courtesy of WENN and Pacific Coast News.

I can’t believe I know this, but do you remember how Angelina Jolie pierced Vivienne’s ears when she was just a baby? Viv has been wearing earrings for a while now. Well, I had never really noticed that neither Shiloh nor Zahara had their ears pierced. That’s according to a British tabloid, although a two-minute search through older photos confirmed that Z and Shiloh never seem to be wearing earrings until this week (as you can see in these photos). Anyway, The Sun claims that Angelina just took her two oldest girls into a London salon to get their ears pierced, and hilarity ensued. Hint: only the Empress was brave enough to go through with it.

Shiloh and Zahara Jolie-Pitt are becoming little women. Accompanied by mom Angelina Jolie, the 5 and 6-year-old sisters recently went to a small salon in London to get their ears pierced, according to The Sun.

“The eldest girl picked out some pretty 18-carat gold studs ad gave them to her mom,” a source told the British newspaper.

“The piercing gun was a bit too painful for her and she screamed then burst into tears. She was saying it felt like a stapler, so her little sister changed her mind about having hers done.”

Despite Shiloh’s last-minute decision to opt out of the rite of passage, a source told The Sun that “they all left with big smiles on their faces.”

“Angelina bought them another little gift to make sure they both felt special,” the source added.

The Jolie-Pitts are currently staying in London while patriarch Brad Pitt, 47, films World War Z. Jolie recently took Zahara and Shiloh — along with 3-year-old twins Knox and Vivienne — to visit Gwen Stefani’s home for a playdate with Kingston, 5.

“All of the kids are very close in age,” a source tells Us Weekly. “They’ve attended each other’s birthday parties and gotten together several times at each other’s homes.”

[From Us Weekly]

Aw, what are big sisters for? I love that Shiloh had every intention of getting her ears done but when Z went first, Shi chickened out. Oh, and Z “screamed then burst into tears”??? OMG, poor Z! I always forget that she has moments when she’s just a little girl and not our soon-to-be empress.

Sidenote: I let my holes grow over years ago, because I got so tired of wearing earrings. Should I get them re-pierced? I’ve been debating it for a while. Thoughts?

Oh, and this is the best Shiloh photo EVER. I imagine this is the face she made when Z screamed.

Photos courtesy of Fame & WENN.

New photos! New photos! New photos, just in, of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, better known as “Will and Kate” (how gauche!). They made an appearance today at the opening of a children’s cancer unit at the Royal Marsden Hospital in London. William was just coming off of a 24-hour sleepless work bender in Wales, where he was on duty doing search and rescue. He met up with Kate at the event, having only arrived in London just moments beforehand it seems like. William has been the cancer hospital’s president since May 2007, and his mother previously held the position. You can read some sweet stuff about the kids about William here - much like Diana, he’s good with kids, as is Harry.

As for Duchess Kate’s style today… she wore a cream Amanda Wakeley dress that fits like a glove, and I don’t believe it’s a repeat either. I think this is a new dress for her (only) second appearance in the UK as a duchess. It looks nice on her - she looks good in whites and creams, as well as jewel tones. If I was dressing her, I would put her in lots of creams and strong, bold reds, greens, blues and purples. Never beige, never pastels. Also: what are the thoughts on her little diamond cross pendant? Jesus is giving her the side-eye for living in sin with William for years.

Should we talk about whether she’s pregnant? She doesn’t look knocked up. No part of her looks bigger. I don’t think she is.

A few more stories about Kate, via Us Weekly (she’s their cover girl this week). One, Kate’s wallet is full of “rewards cards” from stores, according to a blogger bystander who witnessed Kate making some purchases at Topshop a few days ago. What does this mean? It means Kate shops a lot (that‘s all she does), but she still loves a good deal. Second story, this bizarre tale:

It’s hard to imagine that Kate Middleton can walk among the commoners unnoticed these days — but that’s exactly what the Duchess did when she visited the National Portrait Gallery in London Wednesday.

The 29-year-old spent the afternoon touring the contemporary collection downstairs with a small group of curators, an onlooker tells Us Weekly exclusively.

“She was dressed all in black — she must have been boiling because it was a really hot day in London — in knee-length black boots, black tights and a slim-fitting black dress,” the onlooker says. “She had her hair up, completely pulled up into a twist at the back.”

Middleton, who studied art history at St. Andrews (where she met future hubby Prince William, 29), wasn’t fazed by some of the more controversial pieces, including Marc Quinn’s Self, a self-portrait cast of the artist’s head made from his own blood and then frozen.

“She was asking lots of questions and talking to the experts at length about the piece,” the onlooker tells Us. “She seemed completely fascinated by it.”

Because the gallery downstairs is split into many side rooms, Middleton was able to move around without too many people noticing her — though one tourist did attempt to snap a photo of the Duchess. “Her security guard suddenly appeared and told the man he should delete the photo, but other than that she wasn’t bothered at all.”

Middleton — who has broken tradition by not posing for her own post-wedding portrait — viewed a portrait of William and Prince Harry, 27, on her way out.

“She didn’t spend a huge amount of time looking at it,” the onlooker notes. “She just smiled and admired it briefly.”

[From Us Weekly]

So she went to a museum (dressed for winter, in the middle of a heat wave) and asked a lot of questions about one of the odder pieces, and her security guard made a bystander delete photos of her. Does anyone else think that whole incident is bizarre?

Back to the photos - Kate is getting a lot better at not staring directly into the cameras. But she’s still obsessively touching her trademark hair. And thank God, there are NO BUTTONS on this outfit (that I can see). So… a great deal of improvement.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

These are new photos of Linnocent in Paris last night, leaving the club Raspoutine. She looks rough. But not as rough as she looked in NYC. As I’ve long said, Paris is where Linnocent gets the good sh-t. Whenever she goes to Paris, it’s always an epic party for her, so just give her another day and she’ll look blitzed out of her skull. According to WENN, The Mail & OK Mag UK, Linnocent left the club with the owner, Andre Saraiva (the dude in the leather jacket who looks like a reject from Grease), and half of the club followed Linnocent out. Some are saying that Linnocent and Andre went back to his place. Sure. Why not? It’s not like she hasn’t just spent the last week in Italy, boning her new boss. Just another day in the exciting, jet-set life of Linnocent, International Call Girl. I had to look up this Andre guy, and he sounds… unusual. And interesting - and legit. The NYT refers to him as a “graffitist and night-life entrepreneur”. He’s big in the art world, and he runs several successful clubs around the world. Here’s his mini-bio:

Enfant terrible Andre Saraiva is many things to many people. To the Parisian police, he’s Mr. A, a legendary graffiti artist so recognizable he’s no longer able to work in his hometown. To the international art circuit, he’s the guy throwing the grittiest art fair parties. To fashion followers, he’s the Purple cover boy with the signature paint-splattered jeans and dark sunglasses. To the shiny young things in New York, Paris, and Tokyo, he’s the impresario behind the nightclubs Paris Paris, Le Montana, Le Baron, and Beatrice, from whose sub-basement den you might, on any given night, catch our current cover girl surfacing.

With his recent clothing line “Black Block” making waves, Beatrice Inn co-owner Mr Saraiva is also a partner in the Hôtel Amour with Thierry Costes, of the Costes hotel and restaurant family; the Beatrice Inn in New York; and, with the industrial designer Marc Newson, a branch of Le Baron in Tokyo. He was born in Sweden but was brought up in Paris, and as a teenager began tagging the streets with his trademark “Mr. A,” a stick figure with a winking eye and a top hat.

[From 60 by 80]

WTF? What is a legit businessman and artist doing with Linnocent? Why is he bringing a crackhead back to his place? Wait, is this some kind of “art project”? Something James Franco-esque? Yes, Linnocent is a cracked-out muse to many “artists”. And I’m sure her “muse” fees are astronomical.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

These are the newish photos of Tom Cruise with his new, fancy haircut. I’m not in love with the cut, but it’s probably more age-appropriate for Tom. He’s 49 years old, after all. He can’t do the longish, rock-n-roll hair forever, and God knows, he could still pass for a man 10 or 15 years younger, but I still don’t really like the short look on Tom. CB loves it, and says that if he was 6 inches taller, she would be giving him a second glance. Speaking of Tom’s height (and his lifts!), Tom got this haircut for his new role in One Shot. Apparently, there’s been some controversy with fans of the book - they say Tom is much, much too short.

There’s been a mixed reaction to the news that Tom Cruise is to take on the lead role in his upcoming film adaption of Lee Child’s thriller One Shot. But the 49-year-old actor is continuing with his preparations for the role regardless. The Mission: Impossible star had his hair specially cut for the part in New York.

Some fans of the book have protested against Tom Cruise’s casting, highlighting the problem that the actor is nearly a foot too short for the role. The character Jack Reacher, who Cruise is to play, is six feet five inches tall to the actor’s meagre five foot seven.

Readers have also complained that Tom is also ‘too’ good-looking to play Jack, who is not meant to be especially attractive.

Tom has bought the rights to the One Shot film, which is to be directed by The Usual Suspects writer Christopher McQuarrie. Die Another Day star Rosamund Pike is set to play the female lead.

Jack Reacher is an ex-United States Army Military Police Major, who has a knack for finding trouble. Filming has already commenced for the film, which is due for release in 2013.

[From The Mail]

Yeah, the height thing would probably bother me too if I had read and liked the book (which I may check out now). If they needed someone tall, why not Timothy Olyphant, y’all? Tall dudes need love (and movie roles) too.

Oh, I wanted to mention this cute little story in In Touch Weekly. Apparently, Tom Cruise has ensured that Suri has a “million dollar jewelry box.” Tom “loves buying jewelry for her, especially vintage and estate pieces” and a friend says, “He’ll see something he likes and just buy it for Suri to give to her when she is older.” That’s actually really nice. I bet Katie sets aside pieces of jewelry for Suri too.

Photos courtesy of Fame.